..burn out and ignorance.

Two very different thing. One usually gets a burnt out after years of doing the same mundane thing over and over again, being tired on the job all the time, and basically feeling burnt out. On the other hand, ignorance is basically does not care what is happening and living in one's own world.

I think I've got both of them. For some reason, I feel so tired. Feel like I've had enough of this. Have I been studying too much? Nope. Have I been tired? Yes. But why? I can't explain it. The fact that I haven't been getting enough rest could contribute to the whole feeling. Here's the thing. My research project is finally underway, hence I have no rest over the weekend at all, since we have to collect surveys at DFO. The perks of the job is that it's at DFO, but the downside of it is that I only get to watch people shop whereas I, get to disturb those people by asking them to fill up my survey forms. It's only from 10 to 3. But at the end of the day, I still come back home feeling exhausted. It's hard enough trying to keep myself awake and less cranky (I get very very cranky when I'm tired), let alone trying to study. And that leads to my second problem.

I have a high ego. Those who know me know that I have super high ego. I want to be smart and efficient. I want to be the person that people go to when they have problems (I'm talking about academic wise here). If you've seen one of those registrar (since we don't really see consultant that much and basically wards are run by registrar and consultant is there only for consult once or twice a week) who runs around doing their work like a madman, that's basically what I wanna become. I have this registrar in the team that I'm attached to. She is what I wanna become when I reach her level. She knows her stuff, she works efficiently, she teaches student, bottomline is, the ward goes into chaos without her. When she speaks or asked by consultant or other registrar, you'd know that she knows her stuff, speaking from experience and study and not just trying to save her ass. Here is where the problem comes in, I am LAZY and IGNORANT. I am very sure that these two are gonna be my downfall some day. That day does not feel far away since MSAT is just around the corner. I do not care bout patient's cases. I do not care bout staying longer in the hospital in hope of learning more. When I go on ward round, I probably absorb only 15, fine, give me 20 percent of what I should be absorbing. I go just because I have to and because I need to get my assessment done by my supervisor. I have this system of thinking that I'll learn this later by osmosis, and I'll sort out what I should know as a student and what is not required at my level and just forget bout it.

Now the result is, when another student asked if a patient was just put on steroid or if he has been taking it for years because his WCC is 15.6 with neutrophilia and no background of infection, and proceeded to answer the consultant that the reason she asked that is because when steroid is first introduced, it causes a temporary increase of WCC due to the redistribution of the neutrophills from vascular wall to intravascular, and the look of awe in the consultant's face just says it all, it makes my stomach turn.

I feel like a phoney!! I want to go back at least a year. I'm not ready to become a doctor. I'm gonna kill somebody!! If you knew the answer, good for you and that just shows how much stupider I am. But really, I'm regretting the fact that I was so ignorant. This is one of the things that you don't exactly read in books. It's from listening and being active learner. I am definitely not one. Now, if I wanna study, it's a little late, don't you think? MSAT is 2 months away and if I pass it, working life is 3 months away!! How the hell am I gonna do it?!

Somebody, kill me now!!!